Admit Mistakes
"Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes — and most fools do — but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exaltation to admit them first."
Carnegie's third principle in Part 3 is not about humility as a virtue — it's about the practical mechanics of what happens when you beat the other person to the condemnation. When you condemn yourself first, you take the weapon out of the critic's hands. The only role left for them is magnanimity.
Rex and the Policeman
Carnegie walked his Boston bulldog Rex in Forest Park without a leash or muzzle — against regulations. A mounted policeman warned him: bring the dog out again without a muzzle and you'll tell it to the judge. Carnegie obeyed for a while. Then he didn't.
The second time he came over the hill and saw the policeman, he didn't wait. "Officer, you've caught me red-handed. I'm guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses. You warned me last week that if I brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you would fine me."
The policeman's response softened immediately: "Well, now, I know it's a temptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody is around." He let Carnegie off. He told him to let the dog run over the hill where he couldn't see him.
Why? "That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy."
The principle: if you know you're going to be rebuked, beat the other person to it. "It is much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips." Say all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking — before they get the chance. The odds are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will follow.
Ferdinand E. Warren
Warren, a commercial artist, had delivered a rush job to an art director who was notorious for finding fault. The director called him in — hostile, gloating. Warren's opportunity: "Mr. So-and-so, if what you say is true, I am at fault and there is absolutely no excuse for my blunder. I have been doing drawings for you long enough to know better. I'm ashamed of myself."
The director started defending him. The drawing wasn't that bad, it wasn't a serious mistake. Warren interrupted: "Any mistake may be costly and they are all irritating." The director broke in again — but Warren wouldn't let him. He was having a grand time criticizing himself. The director ended up taking him to lunch, gave him a check and a commission.
Bruce Harvey
Harvey (Albuquerque) had incorrectly authorized full wages to an employee on sick leave. He walked into his boss's office and admitted it flat. The boss blamed the personnel department. Harvey said: "It was my fault." The boss blamed accounting. Harvey repeated: "It was my fault." The boss blamed two others. Harvey again: "It was my fault." Finally the boss said: "Okay, it was your fault. Now straighten it out." Error corrected, nobody fired, boss's respect for Harvey has grown ever since.
The Chinese Father
Michael Cheung told of a former opium addict whose son had not spoken to him for years. The father wanted reconciliation — but Chinese tradition said an elder cannot take the first step. He was using tradition as an excuse. He told the class: "I may lose face by asking a younger person's forgiveness, but I was at fault and it is my responsibility to admit this." He went to his son's house. The son welcomed him back. They now have a relationship.
Elbert Hubbard's Technique
When an angry reader wrote to say he didn't agree with such-and-such an article, Hubbard replied: "Come to think it over, I don't entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us and we'll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles."
Hubbard turned enemies into friends by refusing to get defensive — acknowledging their point, admitting fallibility, inviting continued conversation.
The Underlying Mechanism
"When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus."
Admitting fault is hardest with those closest to us. The inability to admit mistakes has destroyed marriages since the days of the pharaohs. But the proverb holds: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."
There is also a satisfaction that comes from the courage to admit error. It clears guilt. It often solves the problem. And it tends to raise you in the estimation of the other person faster than any defense could.
Connections
- never-say-youre-wrong — the twin skill: you don't tell others they're wrong; you also don't fight when you are wrong yourself
- avoid-argument — admitting fault quickly is one of the fastest ways to dissolve an argument before it becomes entrenched
- begin-friendly — the spirit of both principles is the same: come without weapons drawn
- criticism-is-futile — Part 1's first principle; this page is its mirror: just as criticizing others fails, defending yourself against earned criticism also fails