Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he or she, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one's own mistakes — even when one hasn't corrected them — can help convince somebody to change his or her behavior.
Carnegie and Josephine
Carnegie's niece Josephine came to New York as his secretary at nineteen. She was talented but inexperienced, and in the beginning — susceptible to improvement. One day, when Carnegie started to criticize her, he stopped himself:
"Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just a minute. You are twice as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen? Remember the asinine mistakes and blunders you made?"
After thinking it over honestly, he concluded that Josephine's batting average at nineteen was better than his had been.
So when he wanted to call her attention to a mistake, he began: "You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it's no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age... But don't you think it would have been wiser if you had done so-and-so?"
Prince von Bülow and Kaiser Wilhelm II
In 1909, Kaiser Wilhelm II made public declarations so outrageous and egotistical that all of Europe was scandalized. He asked Imperial Chancellor von Bülow to take the blame publicly.
Von Bülow protested: "It seems to me utterly impossible that anybody in Germany or England could suppose me capable of having advised Your Majesty to say any such thing."
The moment those words were out, he realized his mistake. The Kaiser blew up: "You consider me a donkey, capable of blunders you yourself could never have committed!"
Von Bülow saved himself by doing immediately what he should have done first: he praised the Kaiser's superiority in naval, military, and natural science knowledge, and admitted his own ignorance and shortcomings by comparison. The Kaiser beamed. He shook von Bülow's hand repeatedly. By evening he was declaring: "If anyone says anything to me against Prince von Bülow, I shall punch him in the nose."
Von Bülow's error was that he should have begun by talking about his own shortcomings — not by implying the Kaiser was a half-wit in need of a guardian.
Why It Works
Self-condemnation disarms the critic. When you lower yourself first, there is nowhere for the other person's defensiveness to land — you have already occupied the low ground. The person being criticized can hear the feedback without needing to fight for their dignity.
The technique works even when you haven't corrected the mistake you're admitting to. The admission is not a strategy for appearing humble; it is a genuine acknowledgment that you have no standing to hold others to standards you yourself have failed to meet.
Connections
- begin-with-praise — both techniques soften the landing for criticism; this one uses self-disclosure instead of appreciation
- admit-mistakes — the Part 3 principle is about admitting your own current mistakes; this principle extends it into the leadership context of correcting others
- indirect-criticism — another way to deliver criticism without triggering defensiveness; both avoid the frontal assault
- never-say-youre-wrong — all three Part 4 techniques (praise first, criticize indirectly, admit your own mistakes) share the same root: preserve the other person's dignity