Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests
Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests
"The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most." Whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before reading about the subject that person cared about most — whether the visitor was a cowboy, a diplomat, or a politician. Guests were astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. The answer was simple.
The Mechanism
Most people enter a conversation trying to talk their way to an outcome. Roosevelt's approach inverts this: find out what the other person values, then enter their world. The connection they feel to you becomes warm and immediate — they're talking about what they love, and you're genuinely engaged with it.
William Lyon Phelps, essayist and Yale professor, was eight years old when a New York lawyer visited his aunt. The lawyer cared nothing for boats but knew the boy was excited about them, so he talked boats all evening. Years later Phelps's aunt explained: "Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable." Phelps added: "I never forgot my aunt's remark."
This doesn't require deception. It requires preparation and genuine curiosity. The reward, as Howard Herzig — a leader in employee communications — noted, is that talking in terms of other people's interests gives you "an enlargement of your life each time you speak to someone."
The Examples
Edward Chalif and the Boy Scout jamboree. Chalif needed a corporate president to fund a scout's trip to a European jamboree. Before the meeting, he learned the man had written a million-dollar check that he'd had framed. So when Chalif entered the office, the first thing he asked to see was the check. The president showed it with delight, told the whole story. By the time they got to the actual request, the president was warmed up — he funded not one boy but five, gave a $1,000 letter of credit, and personally met the group in Paris. "I know if I hadn't found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn't have found him one-tenth as easy to approach."
Duvernoy and the bread account. Henry Duvernoy had called on a New York hotel manager every week for four years, going to the same social events, even taking rooms in the hotel. He got nowhere. Then he studied the man: discovered he was president of the Hotel Greeters of America, his passion so great it was his life. Duvernoy started talking about the Greeters. "What a response I got!" The manager talked for half an hour. Before Duvernoy left, the manager had sold him a membership in the organization. A few days later the hotel phoned to invite samples and prices. "I had been drumming at that man for four years — and I'd still be drumming at him if I hadn't finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in."
Edward Harriman and R.J. Funkhouser. Harriman wanted a job from a business maverick known for being completely inaccessible. He studied the man's secretary's interests first, gained her help, then entered Funkhouser's office and said: "Mr. Funkhouser, I believe I can make money for you." Hired immediately. Twenty years of growth followed.
The Return
Most people assume talking about what the other person cares about is an act of self-sacrifice. Carnegie's claim is the opposite: "Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties." The other person will relish the conversation. And you will receive the enlargement of life that comes from engaging genuinely with another person's world.
The most fascinating conversationalists you know don't try to impress you with their expertise. They enjoy your company because they talk in terms of your interests and opinions.
Connections
- active-listening — listening first is how you discover what the other person's interests are; talking in their terms follows
- arouse-an-eager-want — Part 1's Principle 3 and this principle operate by the same logic: enter the other person's frame of desire, not your own
- genuine-interest-in-others — genuine interest motivates you to actually learn and care about what other people care about
- give-honest-and-sincere-appreciation — talking in terms of someone's interests is a form of sincere acknowledgment of what they value