Get the Other Person Saying Yes, Yes
Get the Other Person Saying Yes, Yes
Don't begin a conversation with the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing — and keep emphasizing — the things on which you agree. Get the other person saying "Yes, Yes" at the outset; keep them from saying "No."
Why "No" is So Hard to Reverse
Professor Harry Overstreet: "A 'No' response is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said 'No,' all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the 'No' was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it."
It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel it in one direction and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back.
When a person says "No" and really means it, the entire organism — glandular, nervous, muscular — gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is a physical withdrawal, a readiness for further withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance.
When a person says "Yes," none of the withdrawal activities take place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. The more "Yes" responses you can induce at the very outset, the more likely you are to succeed in capturing attention for your ultimate proposal.
James Eberson, Greenwich Savings Bank
A man came in to open an account but refused to answer certain form questions. Before Carnegie's training, Eberson would have demanded the information or refused the account — establishing who was boss. Instead, he resolved to get the man saying "Yes, Yes" from the start.
"Wouldn't you like to have the bank transfer your money to your next of kin at your death?" Yes. "Don't you think it would be a good idea to give us their name?" Yes. The young man not only filled out the full form but opened a trust account naming his mother as beneficiary. "By getting him to say 'Yes, yes' from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I suggested."
Joseph Allison, Westinghouse
Thirteen years of calls on a prospect — predecessor plus Allison combined — finally yielded a small order. Then the chief engineer said the motors were too hot to handle. Years earlier Allison would have argued. Instead:
"I agree with you a hundred percent; if those motors are running too hot, you ought not to buy any more." First Yes. "Electrical Manufacturers Association regulations say a properly designed motor may run 72 degrees above room temperature. Is that correct?" Yes. "How hot is the mill room?" 75 degrees. "Well, 75 plus 72 is 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Wouldn't you scald your hand at 147 degrees?" Yes. "Well, wouldn't it be a good idea to keep your hands off those motors?" — "Well, I guess you're right." The engineer called his secretary and lined up $35,000 of business for the ensuing month.
Eddie Snow and the Bow Store
Eddie wanted to rent a bow for his visiting brother. The first store said no. The second store's salesman asked: Had he rented before? Yes. Did he know it cost $25–30? Yes. Did he like to save money? Yes. "We have complete bow sets for $34.95 — only $4.95 more than you'd spend on a rental. Do you think that's reasonable?" Yes. Eddie bought a complete set. Later became a regular customer.
The Socratic Method
Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," changed the whole course of human thought not by telling people they were wrong — he was far too adroit for that. His entire technique was based on getting a "Yes, Yes" response. He asked questions his opponents had to agree with, kept winning one admission after another, until his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
The next time you feel the urge to tell someone they're wrong, remember barefooted old Socrates — and ask a gentle question instead, one that gets the "Yes, Yes" response.
Chinese proverb: "He who treads softly goes far."
Connections
- never-say-youre-wrong — both principles avoid triggering defensiveness; "yes yes" gives you a positive protocol in place of the negative one
- avoid-argument — starting with agreement is the move that prevents argument from starting at all
- begin-friendly — the Yes-Yes technique is friendly by design; it seeks common ground before divergence
- arouse-an-eager-want — both principles frame requests in terms the other person naturally agrees with