Begin with Praise
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
McKinley and the Campaign Speech
A prominent Republican had written a campaign speech he believed surpassed Cicero and Daniel Webster combined. He read it to McKinley with great glee. The speech had fine points, but it would have raised a tornado of criticism. McKinley didn't want to hurt the man's enthusiasm. But he had to say no.
"My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech. There are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say, but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion? Sound and sober as it is from your standpoint, I must consider its effect from the party's standpoint. Now you go home and write a speech along the lines I indicate, and send me a copy of it."
The man did exactly that. He became one of the effective speechwriters of the campaign.
Lincoln's Letter to General Hooker
Written April 26, 1863 — the darkest period of the Civil War, 18 months of futile defeats. Lincoln's generals had failed one after another. The nation was on the brink.
Yet the letter opens with genuine praise: I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, of course, I like. I also believe you do not mix politics with your profession... You have confidence in yourself, which is valuable if not an indispensable quality.
Only then: there are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you. Talk about tact! And diplomacy!
This is perhaps the sharpest letter Lincoln wrote as President — and yet he praised before he spoke of grave faults.
W. P. Gaw and the Bronze Subcontractor
The Wark Company had a nearly-complete office building held up by one subcontractor who couldn't deliver the bronze work. Arguments, heated calls — nothing worked. Gaw went to New York.
Opening line after introduction: "Do you know you are the only person in Brooklyn with your name?"
The president checked the phone book with interest. He talked about his family, Holland ancestors, two hundred years in New York. Gaw toured the factory, complimented the fabrication system, admired machines the man himself had invented. They went to lunch. Not a word had been uttered about the real purpose of the visit.
After lunch: "Now, to get down to business. Naturally, I know why you're here. You can go back to Philadelphia with my promise that your material will be fabricated and shipped, even if other orders have to be delayed."
Gaw got everything he wanted without even asking for it.
Dorothy Wrublewski's Teller Trainee
Head teller wanted to fire a new trainee who could handle individual transactions perfectly but couldn't balance out at day's end. Wrublewski observed her, then went to talk with her after closing. She praised her first: friendly, accurate, excellent with customers. Then suggested they review the balancing procedure together. Once the trainee felt confidence, she easily mastered it. No problems since.
Connections
- indirect-criticism — the next step: how to deliver the criticism itself; praise opens the door, indirect methods keep it open
- give-honest-and-sincere-appreciation — the Part 2 principle; the praise in "begin with praise" must be genuine — it is not a sugarcoating technique but an honest acknowledgment before the difficult thing
- own-mistakes-first — another way to soften criticism before delivering it; both techniques prepare the listener