Indirect Criticism
There are tactful ways to say what you want, but there is one three-letter word that destroys that intention: the word "but." It delivers criticism in the guise of a compliment and subtly cloaks the true meaning. "Your dress is lovely but that color is unbecoming to you." When "but" appears, the praise becomes a mere lead-in. The person on the receiving end knows it immediately.
Don't use it. Find a better and more honest way to present your case.
Charles Schwab and the Smoking Employees
Schwab walked through one of his steel mills at noon and came across employees smoking directly under a "No Smoking" sign. Did he point to the sign and say, "Can't you read?" No. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said: "I'll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside."
They knew that he knew they had broken a rule — and they admired him because he said nothing about it, gave them a little present, and made them feel important. You couldn't help loving a man like that.
John Wanamaker's Silent Demonstration
Wanamaker made a tour of his great Philadelphia store every day. Once he saw a customer waiting at a counter while salespeople laughed among themselves at the far end. Wanamaker said nothing. Quietly slipping behind the counter, he waited on the woman himself, then handed the purchase to the salespeople to be wrapped as he went on his way.
He chose to demonstrate what he wanted rather than verbally criticize.
The Word "But" and Lyman Abbott's Sermon
On March 8, 1887, Henry Ward Beecher died. Lyman Abbott was invited to speak in his pulpit. Eager to do his best, he wrote, rewrote, and polished his sermon with the care of a Flaubert. He read it to his wife. It was poor.
She might have said, "Lyman, that is terrible." Instead, she merely remarked that it would make an excellent article for the North American Review. She praised it and subtly suggested, without saying "but," that it wouldn't do as a speech.
Abbott saw the point, tore up his carefully prepared manuscript, and preached without notes.
The Mechanism
Direct criticism triggers self-defense. The listener begins assembling counter-arguments the moment the criticism lands — and stops hearing. Indirect criticism reaches the same destination without triggering the defensive crouch: the person sees the problem themselves, or hears it framed so gently that their pride isn't mobilized against you.
The word "but" is the tell: it signals that everything before it was insincere preparation. Eliminate it or rephrase entirely.
Connections
- begin-with-praise — praise before criticism; indirect criticism is how you deliver the criticism without destroying what the praise built
- own-mistakes-first — another technique for softening feedback: admit your own faults before pointing to theirs
- never-say-youre-wrong — the Part 3 principle; indirect criticism and "never say you're wrong" are siblings: both avoid triggering the organism's defensive hardening
- criticism-is-futile — the foundational reason all these techniques exist: direct criticism doesn't work; it only produces resentment