Let the Other Person Save Face
Letting one save face. How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it!
We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."
General Electric and Charles Steinmetz
GE needed to remove Charles Steinmetz — a genius at electricity, a failure as head of the calculating department — without offending him. He was indispensable and highly sensitive. So they gave him a new title. They made him Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company — a new title for work he was already doing — and let someone else head up the department.
Steinmetz was happy. So were the GE officers. They had gently maneuvered their most temperamental star without a storm — by letting him save face.
Marshall Granger's Seasonal Employees
Granger, a certified public accountant, had to let seasonal people go after income tax season. The old way: "Sit down, Mr. Smith. The season is over, and we don't seem to see any more assignments for you. Of course, you understood you were only employed for the busy season anyhow." — employees left feeling let down and retained no particular love for the firm.
The new way: "Mr. Smith, you've done a fine job. That time we sent you to Newark, you had a tough assignment. You were on the spot, but you came through with flying colors, and we want you to know the firm is proud of you. You've got the stuff — you're going a long way, wherever you're working. This firm believes in you, and is rooting for you, and we don't want you to forget it."
Effect: the people went away feeling a lot better about being fired. When needed again, they came back with keen personal affection.
Dwight Morrow's Method
Morrow possessed an uncanny ability to reconcile belligerents. He scrupulously sought what was right and just on both sides, praised it, emphasized it, brought it carefully to the light — and no matter what the settlement, he never placed any person in the wrong.
That's what every arbitrator knows: let every person save face.
The Principle
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The harm outlasts the situation. Someone who loses face in front of others will not forget it — and will carry the resentment forward into every future interaction.
A few seconds of thought about how to deliver the message can be the difference between an adversary and an ally.
Connections
- begin-with-praise — praise before criticism is one way to protect face; this principle extends the same concern to all interactions, not just criticism
- indirect-criticism — indirect approaches protect face by not naming the failure head-on
- make-others-feel-important — making people feel important is the positive form; letting them save face is the defensive form — both protect the same core: a person's sense of worth
- give-fine-reputation — giving someone a reputation to live up to is how you help them move forward with dignity after a failure