Make Others Feel Important
Carnegie calls this "one all-important law of human conduct." Obey it and you'll almost never get into trouble. Break it and you'll get into endless trouble. The law: Always make the other person feel important.
This is the application side of what desire-to-feel-important describes as the mechanism: John Dewey's "desire to be important," William James's "craving to be appreciated." If that desire is the deepest urge in human nature, then meeting it — honestly, sincerely, in ordinary moments — is the highest skill in human relations.
The Post Office Clerk
Carnegie was in line at the post office behind a bored clerk — same monotonous grind, day after day. He asked himself: "What is there about him that I can honestly admire?" He noticed the man's hair. While the envelope was being weighed, he remarked with enthusiasm: "I certainly wish I had your head of hair."
The clerk looked up, half-startled, then beamed. He was immensely appreciative. They had a pleasant conversation. The last thing he said was: "Many people have admired my hair."
Carnegie speculated that person went out to lunch walking on air. Went home and told his wife. Looked in the mirror and said: "It is a beautiful head of hair."
"I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything for me in return. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory long after the incident is past."
The Sincere Constraint
The chapter does not say: flatter people. Carnegie insists the law must be applied sincerely. You have to actually find something to admire — and then say it. If you're so selfish that you can't radiate a little happiness and pass on honest appreciation without wanting something in return, you'll meet the failure you deserve.
The inner question is always: "What is there about this person that I can honestly admire?" Sometimes the answer is immediately obvious. Sometimes it takes looking. But it's almost always there.
The Philosophical Grounding
Philosophers for thousands of years have tried to distill human conduct into its most essential rule. Carnegie notes the convergence:
- Zoroaster taught it in Persia 2,500 years ago
- Confucius preached it in China 24 centuries ago
- Lao Tzu taught it in the Valley of the Han
- Buddha preached it on the banks of the Holy Ganges 500 years before Christ
- The sacred books of Hinduism taught it 1,000 years before that
- Jesus summed it up: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"
The rule keeps being rediscovered because it keeps being true.
The Scale of Application
This principle operates at every level — from a five-second comment to a bored postal clerk to a life-defining conversation. The common thread is the deliberate choice to notice another person as a distinct individual and to tell them something real and kind about what you see.
Making others feel important is not a technique applied strategically to get results. It is a daily orientation: before speaking, ask what this person cares about, what they've achieved, what distinguishes them — and acknowledge it sincerely.
Connections
- desire-to-feel-important — this page explains the underlying psychology; the present page is the behavioral application
- give-honest-and-sincere-appreciation — sincere appreciation and making others feel important operate by the same mechanism; appreciation is one of the primary tools for meeting the importance-need
- genuine-interest-in-others — genuine interest is what generates the raw material: actual observations about the other person worth acknowledging
- smile — the simplest, fastest, non-verbal way to signal that the other person is worth being glad to see