See the Other Person's Point of View
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other person thinks and acts as they do. Ferret out that reason — and you have the key to their actions, perhaps to their personality. Try honestly to put yourself in their place.
The Universal Mechanism
Kenneth M. Goode (How to Turn People into Gold): "Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint."
By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect. And we sharply increase our skill in human relationships.
Sam Douglas and His Wife Joan
Sam Douglas frequently scoffed at all the time his wife spent fertilizing, mowing, and fussing over their lawn — telling her it was wasted effort and the grass looked no better than when they moved in. Joan's reaction to his criticism: a fight. This went on until Sam started thinking about why on earth she would spend her time this way. It crossed his mind that she didn't care about producing a prize-winning lawn — the work was relaxing and enjoyable. It also occurred to him that she would welcome a genuine compliment.
He joined her one evening to pull weeds. She was delighted. After that, he never failed to compliment Joan on the marvelous job she was doing coaxing grass out of concrete soil.
"More important, Sam learned to look at things from the other person's point of view." What began with one evening of pulling weeds led to a closer marriage and a healthy appreciation for what it takes to make a lawn grow.
Elizabeth Novak and the Debt Collector
Novak (New South Wales) was six weeks late on her car payment and received a threatening call. When he called back Monday morning expecting the worst, she did something different — instead of becoming defensive, she looked at the situation from his point of view.
"I apologized most sincerely for causing him so much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his most troublesome customer." His tone changed immediately. He reassured her she was far from troublesome. He told her about how rude other customers were, how they lied and tried to avoid him. She said nothing. She listened. Then, without any suggestion from her, he offered to accept $20 by end of month and make up the balance whenever convenient.
Dr. Gerald Nirenberg's Formulation
From Getting Through to People: "Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas."
Dean Donham's Two Hours
Dean Donham (Harvard Business School): "I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person — from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives — was likely to answer."
Preparation in service of understanding, not in service of performance.
The Return
Carnegie: "If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing — an increased affinity to think always of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own — if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career."
Connections
- empathy — the wiki's existing empathy page; this principle is Carnegie's formulation of the same faculty: enter the other person's perspective before acting
- arouse-an-eager-want — the Part 1 principle; "see their point of view" is how you discover what they want; both require stepping outside your own perspective
- active-listening — listening is the practice that makes point-of-view taking possible
- let-them-feel-its-their-idea — understanding their viewpoint tells you how to plant ideas in ground they care about
- genuine-interest-in-others — genuine interest is the motivation that makes real perspective-taking possible; without it, it's performance