Let the Other Person Feel the Idea Is Theirs
Let the Other Person Feel the Idea Is Theirs
Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn't it bad judgment to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions — and let the other person think out the conclusion?
The Mechanism
No one likes to feel that they're being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we're buying of our own accord, acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, wants, and thoughts.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."
The paradox: the surest way to get someone to adopt an idea is to plant it so that it grows in their mind as their own.
Adolph Seltz and the Salespeople
Seltz, a sales manager in an automobile showroom, faced a discouraged and disorganized sales team. He called a meeting and urged his people to say exactly what they expected from him. As they talked, he wrote their ideas on the blackboard. Then he said: "I'll give you all these qualities you expect from me. Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect from you." The replies came quick: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, eight hours a day of enthusiastic work.
The meeting ended with a new courage. One salesperson volunteered to work fourteen hours a day. Sales increased remarkably. "The people had made a sort of moral bargain with me — and as long as I lived up to my part, they were determined to live up to theirs. Consulting them about their wishes and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed."
Eugene Wesson and the 150 Failures
Wesson sold sketches for a studio serving stylists and textile manufacturers. He called on one leading stylist in New York once a week for three years — never refused, never bought. After 150 failures, he brought unfinished sketches and asked: "Won't you please tell me how we could finish them up in such a way that you could use them?"
The buyer kept them a few days, gave suggestions, had them finished according to his ideas. All accepted. After that, scores more orders, all drawn according to the buyer's ideas. "I realized why I had failed for years to sell him. I had urged him to buy what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn't have to sell him. He bought."
Theodore Roosevelt as Governor of New York
Roosevelt accomplished the extraordinary: he kept on good terms with the political bosses and pushed through reforms they bitterly disliked. His method: invite the bosses to recommend candidates for important offices. He would thank each recommendation, note it didn't quite meet public expectations, ask if they could find someone more obviously fitted. By the fourth suggestion, he'd have exactly who he wanted — and he would let them take the credit for the appointment.
"I would let them feel that I had done these things to please them and now it was their turn to please me." They did — supporting sweeping reforms like the Civil Service Bill and the Franchise Tax Bill.
The X-Ray Manufacturer and Dr. L——
One manufacturer competed for a contract to equip a Brooklyn hospital's X-ray department by writing Dr. L—— a letter — not to sell, but to seek advice: "Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment. They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them. We should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession."
Dr. L——: "I was surprised and complimented. I had never had an X-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before. It made me feel important... Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying that equipment for the hospital was my own. I sold myself on its superior qualities and ordered it installed."
Colonel House and Woodrow Wilson
Colonel Edward House wielded enormous influence over Woodrow Wilson — more than even cabinet members. His method: "After I got to know the President, I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it — so as to get him thinking about it on his own account." Days later Wilson would bring up the idea as his own.
House didn't correct him. He was too adroit for that. He didn't care about credit. He wanted results. He let Wilson continue to feel the idea was his.
Carnegie's Fishing Camp
Planning a fishing trip to New Brunswick, Carnegie was overwhelmed with promotional letters from camps. One camp owner did something different: he sent the names and phone numbers of several New York people who had stayed at his camp and invited Carnegie to call them and find out for himself. Carnegie discovered he knew one of the names, called, found out, and wired the camp his arrival date.
"The others had been trying to sell me on their service, but one let me sell myself. That organization won."
The Eastern Wisdom
Lao Tzu: "The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them... Though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight."
Connections
- let-them-talk — when people talk themselves to a conclusion, that conclusion becomes their own; these two principles are sequential
- arouse-an-eager-want — both principles invert the presenter's frame: instead of pushing, you create conditions for the other person to pull
- active-listening — you have to listen long enough to know what they care about before you can plant seeds in that ground
- make-others-feel-important — asking for someone's ideas is one of the purest expressions of treating them as important